The Real Jesus Christ

The Fighting Techniques of Jesus Christ

"And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand."

The element of surprise. Extreme brutality. Attack the eyes, throat, and balls. This is the way of Jesus Jitsu.

Do Unto Others

Do Unto Others 2

You've probably heard the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as they would do to you." Jesus applies this rule in Jesus Jitsu, but takes it a step further. In real fighting, you can't wait for your opponent to attack, and you must assume the worst. In other words, do unto your opponent what he could do to you, and don't stop until he can no longer "do unto you".

The Lord was a lion among men. According to the ancient Qumran Scrolls, Jesus never missed the opportunity to slap, knee, or kick the balls of those who went against him. As you'll see in the techniques below, striking the balls was Jesus' favorite technique of all, bending his opponents over in pain and then doing things like jumping on their heads. Jesus had the power to send his enemies straight to hell, but he seldom did it without first destroying their manhood. While striking a man's private part is frowned upon by many, it is a valuable technique in Jesus Jitsu and is the Holy Ghost of the Trinity.

Deuteronomy 2:25: This day will I begin to put the dread of thee and the fear of thee upon the nations that are under the whole heaven, who shall hear report of thee, and shall tremble, and be in anguish because of thee.

The Holy Seven

See Jesus' seven favorite combinations:

  • The Blind Man: Watch Jesus blind a man after he is insulted, and then kick him in the balls.

  • The Crucifix: In this combination Jesus nails a man in the throat, knees him in the balls, and breaks his neck with the crucifix.

  • Wrath of God: Here Jesus knees a man hard in his junk, before elbowing him down to the ground.

  • Burn in Hell: See Jesus slap a man in the nuts, strike him down to the ground, and jump on his head.

  • Rise from the Dead: Jesus plays dead when choked, in order to bite a man's nipple off and pummel his balls.

  • Jesus Prays: Here Jesus uses the "prayer position" to block a punch, knee a man in his sack of nuts, and throw him to the ground.

  • Turn the Other's Cheek: See what Jesus really meant about "turning the other cheek. It's not what you think.

Primary Concepts

There are a few concepts that Jesus applied to fighting, as you can see in his favorite combinations above. First, his attack should have the element of surprise. Jesus loved to launch into a violent rage when least expected. In "The Blind Man" for example, he blinds his opponent very quickly and with no indication that he was about to do so. When Jesus fights he is a man of very few words. He may occasionally scream, but that's about it. Jesus lets his actions do the talking, so to speak.

A second characteristic of Jesus Jitsu is the brutality of it. Jesus always begins his attacks by going for the Holy Trinity:

  • The Father: The Eyes, which see all things.
  • The Son: The Throat, where the breath of life flows.
  • The Holy Ghost: The Balls, where the seed of the Baby Jesus originated.

While some may consider this un-sportsman-like, Jesus considered it to be terrific. After attacking at least one of the Trinity, Jesus continued to beat his opponent until he is either dead or unconscious. Nothing is off the table, including jumping on a man's head when he is already lying unconsious, as in the combination Jesus called "Burn in Hell".

A third primary concept is to "crush the balls". Jesus thinks you should always slap, kick, knee, or otherwise strike, grab, or hold your opponent's balls. Not only does this have a very nice affect, but it also helps to ensure your opponent will never have children if you allow him to live. Because many people think crushing the balls is out of bounds, Jesus found the technique had just a little bit more of the unexpected. While the balls are the Holy Ghost of the Trinity, this concept is worth repeating.

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