Lessons for Today

Many people aren't sure how to apply the two thousand year old Good Book in these modern times, where evolution and science are taught to our children in schools. On this page we'll cover some of the hot topics of today and let you know exactly what Jesus thinks of them. The teachings below are either lessons directly from the Holy Bible, or divine inspiration from Jesus himself. Because what you read below has come from the Lord God, it is the absolute truth. Be aware that those who do not have sufficient faith to believe may burn in hell.

Note: Some may argue that the "Old Testament" does not apply today. But Jesus tells us otherwise. In Matthew 5:17 Jesus said, "Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill." So as we can see, Jesus was commited to the teachings of the Old Testament.

Faith

Faith is the first and most important concept for all Christians. Jesus said, "without faith one couldn't believe the teachings of the Lord, because the teachings do not follow logic and reason." (Qumran Scrolls, Pinkus 20:13) Without faith there is no way a person could believe that a virgin was impregnated by an angel, gave birth to a man who was also God, performed miracles, and rose from the dead. Faith allows us to ignore conflicting passages in the Bible and believe things that make no sense at all, thus it is a requirement for all followers of Jesus.

Evolution

Jesus thinks the idea of evolution is really stupid. Seriously, would anyone really believe that man came from monkeys? Anyone who has read the Word of God knows that man was formed from dust, not monkeys. Just see Genesis 2:7 if you have any doubts, "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being." Ask yourself what is more likely, for God to have made man from dust and breathed life through his nostrils, or for man to have evolved over thousands of years? We also know from the Word of God that Eve grew from one of Adam's ribs, sort of like a Siamese twin. Who is more likely to be correct, God, or a so called scientist? God is always right, and evolution is completely stupid. Eat that, scientists.

Abortion

Contrary to what many so called Christians think, Christ has no problem with murder as long as there's a good reason. And that includes abortion. In Exodus 21:15 God recommended killing children who cursed their mother or father, "And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death". As you can see, if a child were to smiteth his parents, he should be killed. So as long as your reason for wanting an abortion is of a similar or greater level than a child smitething a parent, abortion is no problem. In fact, as we shall see in the next section on the death penalty, our Lord is a very violent God.

Death Penalty

The death penalty is most definitely ok with Jesus. As we know from the Trinity, Jesus and God are one in the same being, and God was a mass murderer if there ever was one. Throughout the Holy Bible God goes on murderous rampages, sending fire and brimstone, plagues, and armies to commit genocide in His name. In Exodus 7:18 God even bragged of turning a river into blood so that all the fish would die and the river would turn into a stinking mess. In Exodus 15:3 God tell us, "The Lord is a man of war: the Lord is his name." Both the death penalty and murder are definitely ok as long as you really want to do it.

Age of the Earth

Jesus says that if you trace back the age of man, knowing that man was formed about a week after God created the earth, the earth is about 6000 years old. Scientists claim that the earth is billions of years old, but where is the evidence? Obviously, there is no real evidence, because there are no people that are older than 6,000 years! Calling the earth billions of years old is, caca. There's just no evidence available. Some non-believers may talk this and that about so called "carbon dating". Jesus says, "carbon dating is the work of the evil one". Problem solved.

Global Warming

These days there are people who complain about so called "global warming". What is that supposed to be anyway? The sun comes up, and things get warmer. In winter it's cold, and in summer it's hot. To go willy nilly about it being hot in summer is asinine. Some so called scientists claim the glaciers are melting faster than usual. Ask yourself this question: how can they really know? They can't. And that right there proves that global warming is a hoax made by Jesus hating, sissy faced cowards! For those of you with a lack of faith, we asked Jesus if global warming was real. His answer was "no".

Sex

We know directly from the Holy Bible that Jesus loved sex. In fact, he did not marry so that he could have sex with many women, including Mary Magdaline. We asked Jesus if it was ok to have sex before marriage, and he said "Yes, of course, but there are some caveats." We can find those caveats directly in the Holy Bible. For example, you cannot have sex with a beast. Exodus 22:19 states "Whosoever lithe with a beast shall surely be put to death." God said you will also be put to death if you "committeth adultery", "lithe with your father's wife", "lie with your daughter in law", or "lie with mankind". And you surely better not have sex with a wife and her mother. The Holy Book in Leviticus 20:14 says, "it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you." There are many other rules such as not having sex with your uncle's wife. If you do, you will "die childless". Basically, Jesus says it's ok to have sex, just not with family, those of the same sex, and beasts.